This is Where the Title Goes

I want to blog. I really do. But every time I get a few free minutes and sit down at the computer, my head feels fuzzy and foggy and I only have brain capacity to read recaps of Scandal. (The babies watch SUCH inappropriate television.) Scandal, by the way, takes a lot more concentration than you might think. I would make a terrible Gladiator because even after It All Becomes Clear, I'm still going, "Huh?"

In baby news, the babies have found new and interesting ways to keep us worried. You'd think after 3 kids we would have seen Most of the Things, but there is seemingly no end to the weird baby problems that crop up and make you go "Hmmm" or "Really?" or "Ewwww!" Nothing serious, but every time we're at the doctor, the answer is, "Well, it's probably fine, but..." So we're taking one baby for an ultrasound of her kidneys and bladder (after having done a spinal ultrasound, which was probably fine, but....) and the other baby has an ulcerated hemangioma (it's about as gross as it sounds), which at current count has involved 4 doctor appointments (a 5th is tomorrow) and 3 different creams (one that has to be specially ordered).

Otherwise, they are busy doing all the baby things, like eating and smelling bad and sleeping and crying and pooping and spitting up and doing that cute scrunchy move when they stretch and even smiling (!) and looking around and watching Grey's, Scandal, Parenthood, New Girl and the Lego movie and being alternatively picked up then set down in the baby-friendly venue of our choice (changing table, crib, bouncy seat, sibling's arms, playmat! The possibilities are endless! "Oh! Here we go agaaaaaaain!" you can just hear them saying as they're being swooped up for the thousandth time that day). But don't try kissing them when they are hungry because they feel skin and whip their heads around and open their mouths, looking for the food source. "Oooh is that it? Is it here? I could have sworn I left it here before. Wait where'd it go???"

So even though they do a lot of the aforementioned activities on their own, dealing with the consequences of all of them takes up most of our day. See, Twins Are So Easy!

Anyway this is usually where I would place the clever last line, but not today because foggy. Back to reading recaps.

Twins Are So Easy

This is the title of my latest book on parenting. However, taking care of the twins is really getting in the way of being able to write it. Since at this moment they are currently napping, I will take this opportunity to check in with my Loyal Readers. Because you know what they say, "Blog when the baby sleeps!"

So here I am. See me? No, over here on the couch, under the pile of freshly washed onesies that are patiently waiting to receive their next installment of spit up. (Because you know what they say, "Do laundry when the baby sleeps!") I'm in between the lone baby sock (get used to the single life, kiddo) and the pacifier wedged into the cushions. Oh and also, a pencil. And a random flip-flop.

Since we don't have much time (I can sense babies beginning to move from Not Sad to Sad), I will answer a few FAQs for you.

Q. How are you doing?
A. Tired. Veryveryvery tired. To paraphrase Princess Buttercup, "I shall never sleep again." However, everyone is healthy and happy, or, if you're one of the twins, healthy and occasionally, Not Sad. So we are thankful for that.

Q. Are they identical?
A. Unequivocally not.

Q. Do you have time to shower, even?
A. Putting on deoderant and brushing one's hair IS considered a shower in many cultures. Or it should be. I'm working on that. "Brushing is washing!" is a thing they will say in this culture.

Q. Can I bring you some-?
A. Yes. Whatever it is you want to bring, I'll eat it. Because you know what they say, "Eat when the baby sleeps!"

Q. Were you shocked when you found out it was twins?
A. I'm confused. Why the past tense? "Omigod there are two of them" is something heard frequently around the house, especially in the evening, as we are playing another round of Baby Whack-a-Mole. (Note: No actual whacking involved.)

Q. How are the other kids doing?
A. In short, the big ones are mostly helpful. The 4-year-old, well, let's just say his attachment to Mommy hasn't improved since the arrival of the twins. But really, who can blame him? Does anyone pour cereal, turn on the TV or brush his teeth with quite the panache of Mommy? It's an acquired skill, honed after years of (forced) practice. Also, rest assured that no one has felt any need to put their various issues or angst on hold until Mommy gets more sleep.

Q. Are you nursing?
A. This is possibly the most popular question, after the identical question. To answer, I give you a quote from one of the children: "Mommy, ever since you had the twins, you've been walking around half-dressed." So yes. And yes, I have nursed both at once, but not, ahem, discreetly. So avert your eyes. Currently we're at about 85% nursing and 15% bottles. Of formula. Because "Pump when the baby sleeps!" is NOT a thing they say. Bottles meant I had to hand back my Crunchy Granola Mom Trophy, plus they took away their offer to honor me at the Annual Crunchy Granola Mom Grass-Fed Organic BPA-Free Dinner & Co-Sleeping But that's okay. Because the bottles help me keep my last remaining nerve, which I need in order to deal with aforementioned spit-up and angst.

Q. "Is there another baby in there?"
A. Luckily, this is not an FAQ. This question was posed by Nadav, when they came to visit me in the hospital. First, as he walked in and saw the baby nursing, he exclaimed "EWWWW! What is the baby doing to you?" Then he examined my stomach and decided there must be a third baby Mommy is hiding in here. Now, he has declared that the tummy is no longer so big, but it IS "mushy v'gam floppy."

So you see, Twins: They're So Easy.

Okay, Sadness has been reached. See you all later.