Why I Have No Time to Blog

This blog is dedicated to Canadian-Israeli Rachel and American-American Rachel (because she also deserves to be hyphenated), who have both sent gentle reminders that it has been a while since I last posted.

It's not that I haven't had things to post about. I've been writing blog posts in my head for weeks. Like the Emergency Layer, election day, traveling husbands. I have just been lacking the time to write them. Here's how my day goes:

6:40 Drag two very unwilling children out of bed. The third child most likely woke up in my bed, staring at me till I opened my eyes and then whispering, "boker tov!"

6:45 Continue dragging the children, one of whom announces, every. single. day. that he "doesn't wanna go to schooooooool! It's such loooooong daaaaaay! And soooo booooorrrriinnngggg!" and one of whom is describing her latest dream in exquisite detail. Try to be patient when they claim they are "so tired." Yes. I know. 10 hours of sleep can be rough on a person.

6:50 - 7:30 We continue to play, on an endless loop, the hit single "Whine 'n Yell (Have You Brushed Your Teeth Yet?)" from my newest album, "Mornin' at the Roses." Then we make the school/gan rounds.

7:45 I return home.

8:00 - 11:00 Drink coffee, stare at the computer screen, hope for inspiration. Give up and decide to work and check Facebook.

11:00 Time for the Ohmigoditsalreadyelevenoclockonlytwohoursbeforethekidscomehomeahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! freak-out!
Decide to push off my errands yet another day in favor of getting more work done. We don't really need milk. Or toilet paper. Or gas.

1:00 Make lunch. It's not my least favorite household chore, because unlike laundry or dirty bathrooms, you can eat it.

1:45 Kids walk in the door. "I hate school" kid mumbles that his day was "Good." Dream girl tells me about every minute of her day in exquisite detail.

2:00 - 4:00 We engage in a mess of homework, chugim and sometimes I drag the kids on those errands I keep pushing off. This way, they can help me push the car.

4:00 Time to pick up the Man of Mystery, when "Mystery" is defined as "What will he tantrum about today?" Usually these hours involve me printing blank sheets of paper (because it only counts as paper if you can pick it up off the printer), letting him eat a PB sandwich in the bath, and giving him cheese slices to place in a toy pot. Also tantrums.

7:00 Finally it's time for bath ("But we just had a bath!" "No! That was 3 days ago!!")/pajamas/teeth/TV. Nadav takes a little jaunt to make a Toilet PeePee. We engage in a lengthy discussion about how his little toilet seat broke and how we use tissues on Shabbat and toilet paper during the week. Then, Nadav grabs the said toilet paper and doesn't use it, but solemnly throws it into the toilet, like an offering to the Toilet Gods.

7:00-Way Too Late o'clock: Vigil! I play Track 16 from "Nighttime at the Roses" called "Those Big Blue Eyes Still Starin' At Me."

Vigil finished. My wandering Jewess wanders around the house, slowly getting herself ready and filling me in on all the details of her day she forgot to mention earlier.

I politely ignore her. (Just kidding sweetie! I am always paying attention!) (In other news, I welcome our newest Loyal Reader: Ariella.)

I think: I should work. I should blog. I should clean up the Cheerios that are milk-glued to the floor.

So I sit and watch TV.

Too late, I crash in bed, drifting off to my favorite nighttime lullaby "Think I Just Heard a Kid."

A Bit of Rambling Never Hurt Anyone

1. I hate the two leftover lasagna noodles in the box. They just rattle around in there, sadly staring at each other, waiting for a can of olives or pickles to land on them and crush them. Every time I'm in the store, I feel like pulling a Steve-Martin-in-Father-of-the-Bride and ripping out exactly the amount of noodles I need.

2. Sundays. Sigh. They are not for the faint of heart. In fact, I wanted to post this on Sunday, but it was such a Sunday, I'm still recovering from its effects.

3. Is there such a thing as picking the right line at the supermarket? Or is the "right line" simply an urban legend, like "pop rocks and soda can kill you" or "celebrities are just like us" or "children who listen the first time." (Have you also gotten stuck behind the young couple paying their grocery bill in 5 shekel coins?)

4. When I talk to myself, I actually talk. Like, my mouth forms words and my voice box makes sounds. Am I alone here?

5. I used to dislike short stories. Why bother getting invested in characters when three pages later you have to forget all about them and learn about new characters? But I recently discovered, thanks to a book of short stories from DADZ, that they are a mom's best friend. You know when you sit down to read a book, and five minutes later you have to stop to break up a fight/clean up a spill/appear to be listening to someone? Well, with a short story that's okay! By the time your attention is needed elsewhere, you've finished the story! You feel accomplished! You actually read a story that did not involve small animals getting ready for bed, that had paragraphs and a font size smaller than 36! Go you!

Going to the Movies

We have been having "movie nights" recently in order to show our kids the Classic Kids' Movies. It's bad enough they are growing up without "I Had a Little Dreidl." We can't also deny them "ET phone home!" can we?

So far we have watched the "Wizard of Oz" and "E.T." It warms the cockles of my heart (what are cockles? And can they be damaged by too much caffeine? I hope not.) to hear them belting out "Because because because because becaaaaaauuuusssse! BECAUSE of the wonderful things he does! DADADADADADADA!" and Ariella's favorite line, "I do believe in spooks! I do believe in spooks! I do, I do, I DO believe in spooks!"

Also on the to-watch list: "The Sound of Music," "The Princess Bride," "Labyrinth," "Superman" and "Star Wars."

"The Sound of Music" will have to be handled carefully for our inquisitive eldest child, who can't last 30 seconds without asking a question. I'm going to have to pre-teach about Austria during WWII, rich English families, governesses, dating and Nazis (and what happens when they coincide), and the basics of Catholicism. (No, she's not actually their mother. And if my children decide to start calling me "Mother Superior" ... I would be okay with that.)

Donny also believes we have an obligation to show them "Home Alone." That one will require decidedly less explanation. Kid. Home by himself. Bad guys getting hurt. Again. And again. And again. Parents come home! The end.

I'll keep you posted - feel free to add to our Must Watch Movie List!

How to Read to Kids

Reading to your kids is an inevitable part of parenthood, like contemplating cutting your heart out with the plastic gingerbread man during Candy Land, cursing while you sweep up pasta and it just keeps tumbling away from you, and lying that your daughter is 10 so you can take her to Yad Vashem. (What? Not everyone does that? Also - see what I did there? Linking to the non-snarky blog I write for. So sneaky).

There are a number of ways you can read to your kids. As an example, I am going to use Curious George (the Original). A book that Nadav is currently enthralled by. "Monkey? Abba?" (Abba = other people's daddy; here, the Man with the Yellow Hat.)

Now, I love me some Curious George, although reading the book as an adult has left me feeling somewhat concerned about H.A. Rey's ethics. Stealing indigenous animals to sell to a zoo? Giving tobacco to young impressionable primates? Arresting a minor and throwing him in prison because of a prank call? The lack of guards in said prison? The balloon man selling balloons right outside the prison wall?

Anyway.

Nadav does not seem bothered by this at all. So we read Monkey over and over. I've been doing the Full Read lately.

The Full Read
"This is George. He lived in Africa. He was a good little monkey and always very curious."

Although it takes a long time, it requires little brain power. You can read every word without paying attention, freeing your mind to think about something more important, like how long till Grey's comes back. (Thursday Jan. 10. I'm already on to thinking about something else. Like playing "Dust or bug?")

The Summarizer
"Look! Here's George! He's trying on the man's hat! The man put him in a bag and took him to a ship! Oh no! George is in the water!"

This, I find, is actually the most difficult way to read a book. It sounds promising in the beginning - just tell them the gist of the story, no need to read every word. However, summarizing involves analytical skills. So, no thanks.

The One Sentence Per Page
"This is George. He picked it up and put it on. George was caught. Across the water to a big ship. But it is easy for little monkeys to forget. Finally he HAD to try. And almost all tired out. At last he was safe on board. And on into the city to the man's house. Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Just then the watchman came in. What a nice place for George to live!"

If your kids are young enough, they won't understand that what you're saying makes absolutely no sense. They'll be happy that you are turning the pages and reading the familiar words.

The Board Book Version
(My personal favorite, but there is a limited amount of time you can get away with it.)

George!
Hat!
Ship!
House!
Fire engines!
Balloons!
THE END!

What method do you prefer?

In Which Two Boys Cannot Both Play Nicely at the Same Time

What happens when the brothers play:

Nadav finds a toy --> Yaakov's older brother instincts kick in --> Yaakov does something small-enough-to-seem-innocent-but-enough-to-upset-Nadav (knock something down, touch a toy) --> Nadav's nice playtime is over --> Yaakov now settles down with a toy --> Nadav notices Yaakov has the motorcycle he wants --> Yes, the same damn motorcycle from last time! --> Nadav grabs the motorcycle --> I try to placate Yaakov by doing a puzzle with him ('cuz I'm out of money) --> Nadav wanders over --> Nadav also needs to do a puzzle --> But not one that is, God forbid, age-appropriate --> So I end up doing a 60-piece puzzle with a two-year-old --> Lining up each piece precisely so he can push it in, after which we discuss if it's "matim" (fits) or not --> "Matim?" --> "Matim?" --> x60

This was a day of Chanukah vacation; I had thought that since we spent the morning and a good part of the afternoon running around, I had earned myself a few moments of quiet while the Boys Played Nicely. The Parenting Gods, were, of course, looking at each other and shaking their heads in exasperation. "'Earn myself a few minutes of quiet?' HA! When will she learn??? It doesn't work like that! Hey guys, come on, let's go hide one of the kids' shoes or water bottle so she can't find it in the morning!"

They have a mean streak, those Parenting Gods.

Mommy Points!

It's time for the weekly roundup of Mommy Points! Let's see how well I did this week!

Cut up leftover chicken and meatballs into cubes and speared it with toothpicks and added a plate of dipping sauces, resulting in a creative and attractive lunch for my children that also used up my leftovers: +7

The "dipping sauces" were just ketchup and mustard: -2

Engaged in a fun game with Nadav... +3 just for that.

...that involved me blowing up a balloon over and over (and over) and letting him hold it while the air phlbbt-ed out. +5. Did I mentioned the over and over and over part? +3 Till I got lightheaded? +2

Paid Yaakov a shekel to let Nadav play with a motorcycle that they were fighting over: -5, for not using the opportunity to teach about sharing, taking turns, blah blah blah.

However ... it wasn't an actual motorcycle: +2

(Seriously, this is the smallest, plainest motorcycle imaginable. It doesn't move, or beep or light up. In fact, its only attraction is He Has It. No points. Just mentioning).

Helped Ariella study for her Chanukah chidon, which meant I had to scan through 8 pages of very dense Hebrew about the history of Modiin and understand it enough to ask questions, and understand it even more to make sure she was saying the right answer. +7 because I attempted it; -3 because I didn't do such a hot job, especially when it got to the end, about various battles that took place here in 1948, and I just said to her, "You know what? Why don't you just read these last two pages and make sure you understand them. Okay? Great!"

Yelled way too much: -10

But didn't use actual curse words: +2

The children are alive, reasonably well-fed and not visibly filthy. +one meeeelyon

Yay! I won! My prize? Doing it all again next week!!

How well did YOU do this week?

Nadav Writes a Story

A Very True Story, narrated by Nadav and written by Meema. This Very True Story occurred in our own house, just this past Shabbat.

(Amended to include the correct chapter six; see comments.)

Bee

Chapter 1: Bee! Bee!

Chapter 2: Bee! Cookie! [Ed. note: The bee had landed on the bag of cookies.]

Chapter 3: Daaaa-dddyyyy!!

Chapter 4: DAAAA-dddyyy!!!

Chapter 5: DAAAA-DDDDDYYYY!

Chapter 6: Bee. Go.

The "bee" in question was actually a fly, so don't be too concerned that Daddy doesn't make an appearance until Chapter 6.

Also, for all of you Save the Flies activists (flyctivist?), Daddy did not kill the fly. He simply opened the window. First, the fly failed to notice the open section and hurtled himself into the glass a few dozen times. Because let's face it, even you flyctivists have to admit that flies, as a species, are rather dumb. After a few dizzying minutes, though, he (the fly) found the opening and zoomed out.

Till next time, Bee.