HELP!

This summer, I was inspired by my very Tired friend. No, not because she actually does stuff with her kids instead of auctioning them off to the highest bidder as I do. Like she takes them to the beach, or the park, or bowling, or cooks with them – and cooks actual, healthy food that would appear in Parents magazine, not just heating up the green package of frozen schnitzel for Shabbos lunch. Not that I know anyone who does that, of course. (As I tell her, if you would just stop being such a good mom, you wouldn’t be so tired.)

Anyway, unfortunately for my children, I was not inspired by her mad parenting skillz. She inspired me because she pondered whether she should hire herself and her blogging skills out for cash. You know, you review things on your blog and you score stuff free stuff.

But upon further reflection, I decided that was just too much work for me. However, in a similar vein, I thought I could put my own skills to good use, to make this world a better place. And what better time to embark on this new challenge than the new year. What skills, might you ask? Besides the obvious culinary ones listed above?

Well, as we all know, aliyahbyaccident is always full of helpful advice for everyone. Or, at least, it’s full of something. So instead of reviewing, we will be coaching. Starting today, we are beginning a new “HELP!” section. Whether you want to move to Israel, or you have kids, or you want to move to Israel with your kids, or you want to have kids and then move to Israel, or you want to move to kids and have Israel, or you just want both Israel and kids to leave you alone so you can continue treifin' up the kitchen.... No matter what your question is, aliyahbyaccident is here to answer it. In fact, without further ado, I present the first edition of Aliyahbyaccident: HELP!

Let’s hear from some of our Loyal Readers:

Q. Hi, my name is Katzav. What I want to know is, why hasn’t anyone given kappayim to Dov lately?
A. You’re absolutely right. We are very behind on our kappayim-giving. So Dov, if you’re reading - kappayim!

Our next question is from Drake, in Wichita, Kansas.

Q. I’m thinking of making aliyah.
A. 1066

Q. I haven’t asked a question yet.
A. Sorry – we get a little jumpy sometimes. Go ahead.

Q. Anyway, so we’re thinking of making aliyah, and we wanted to know…
A. Myanmar.

Q. You have got to stop doing that.
A. Sorry again. We just get very excited about helping people. Continue. Aliyah. We're listening.

Q. What would you say is the single most important thing to bring with us? Ziploc bags? Bounty paper towels? Liquor from the duty free? A good attitude?
A. Well, Drake, it’s simple. The single most important thing to bring with you when you make aliyah is your luggage.

Q. I don’t get it.
A. Drake, didn’t your teachers ever tell you that “I don’t get it” isn’t a question? Would you like to rephrase?

Q. Sorry. I don’t get it?
A. Much better. As I was saying, the most important thing to bring with you is your suitcases. I can’t tell you how many times people make aliyah, and they’re waiting at the baggage carousel for their bags, when suddenly, they slap their hands to their foreheads and exclaim, “Oh, for the love of Likud! We never brought our bags! Now we have no clean undies to wear!”

Q. Really? How often does that happen?
A. Drake, pay attention. I just said “I can’t tell you how many times” this happens.

Q. Right. Suitcases. Any advice as to what should be in the suitcases, though?
A. Clean underwear. Sheesh, you really need to listen when people are talking.
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So you see, Loyal Readers, in a matter of minutes we have helped both Katzav and Drake. Not to mention Dov. If you have a burning question that needs answering, don’t hesitate to contact aliyahbyaccident. If we choose your question to be featured in our weekly HELP! Section, you will receive a free pair of clean undies!