Lies I Tell Myself

To help you get through that special time of day known broadly as "evenings." Turn your "Waaaaahhh!" into "Ahhhh!"

To deal with whining

Instead of: "Omigod stop whining RIGHT NOW or I will throw myself off the balcony to the neighbor's backyard and you just KNOW how much they hate when our stuff falls down there."

Try: "I just looooove the lilting sound of my children whining. Especially hearing them say my name over, and over, and over, and over and also over. It washes over me likes waves of serenity."

To deal with UFT (Unidentified Flowing Tears, when a child is crying for no perceivable reason, or for a really, really dumb one.)

Instead of: "Why are you CRYING? Again??? Seriously?? You know five bazillion words! USE some of them for [severe breath holding so you stop yourself from saying words you know will be flung back at you some day] sake!"

Try: "Oh, your nose is running? Your fork fell? You need help with something? We ran out of the cereal you like? The air conditioning is too cold? Of course. Go ahead, cry it out, sweet darling."

To deal with the Toddler Temper Tantrum

Instead of: Ignoring it until it abates. You can't possibly say anything anyway; it won't be heard over the VERY LOUD SCREAMING. Also KICKING

Try: Ignoring it. Yep. I got nothing else.

To deal with the Fightin' Siblings

Instead of: Stop fighting! Get your hands off him/her! I don't CARE who started it! Blah blah blah BLAH!

Try: "What a great cardio workout you're getting!"

Try these at home. Let me know how it works for you. (Hint: An afternoon coffee may be necessary.) I'll be over here, having endless patience and smiling serenely.