Friday, May 2, 2014

Facebook is for Snarkers; Or, Get Off My Facebook!

I believe Facebook is for wit and snark. A place to entertain the masses. To make fun of stuff, mostly yourself.

However, there seem to be those who think otherwise. I call them, simply, Happy Cheerful People

Happy Cheerful People, I love you. I really do. It's people like you who make the world go round instead of imploding in a mushroom cloud of smirks and eyerolls. But I beg of you, take it elsewhere. At first I thought there should be a new Facebook for peppy people with eternally smiley children. But then my friend pointed out: "They already HAVE their own Facebook. It's called Instagram. And Pinterest!" So true. Pinterest: Facebook for the chipper, creative types.

So, please, get off my Facebook if you ever:

Have morning dance parties with your children

Refer to your offspring as "my happy little helpers," with accompanying photos of the beautiful food you managed to make with said helpers. My helpers just crack egg all over the counter.

Frequently make use of the little hearts, or the words "amazeballs" and "ridonkulous."

Wish a happy birthday/anniversary to "the best husband ever." (Oh MAN! You mean I got stuck with the second-rate husband? Not fair! And anyway, we all know now that George Clooney is the best husband ever, so game over.)

Were taking selfies at the beach or pool the Friday before Pesach, while I was elbow deep in my fridge, with the contents of my kitchen on display for the entire world to see. (5 open bags of rice cakes? And 3 jars of rosemary? I don't even use rosemary! Really, us? Why?) Or maybe I was toothpicking my sink. Or perhaps scrubbing dried milk and cereal bits off chair legs. Whatever. Know what I wasn't doing? Taking selfies at the beach.

Use the words "precious" "my loves" or "angels," in a non-sarcastic manner, to refer to your children.

Post pictures of homemade meals that required more than three steps (and "serve" counts as a step)

Post pictures of homemade clothing.

Actually, anything you made yourself belongs on Pinterest. Go there, my people, be with your own kind and your Mason jars and corks and dinner ideas that don't include the word "frozen" and strips of felt and like, ideas.

Use the phrase "Nothing like...." Because you will contradict yourself within the next 24 hours with the next thing that there is "nothing like."

Post about how your children requested your organic kale, bean + tofu bake for dinner ... again!

Post pictures of your set table and dressed children more than 30 minutes before start of chag.

Compare your Hawaiian vacation to your Caribbean vacation and crowdsource about where you should go next. Especially if you also post accompanying pictures of your toes.

Freely post pictures of your children in your living room/kitchen/dining room, because you aren't embarrassed about all the stuff that will appear in the background of picture: POCs and scattered remains of art projects and a squished Chess box and Legos and foil pans you haven't put away yet and the challah cover that's still out and Mt. Laundry. Why aren't you embarrassed? Because they're not there. I'm sorry, we can't be friends.

Have frequent meaningful teachable moments. "Every day is a learning opportunity!" Just, no.

Write about the awesome science/cooking/art project you did with your children that actually worked out. Here's one of ours:



Write, "Little Brady practically toilet trained himself! Bye-bye diapers!"

Badmouth TV, accompanied by a picture of your child playing with a stick or ball of dirt or a crumpled up piece of paper or his toes, and write, "Imaginative play at work! Who needs TV?"

Loyal Readers, what would you add to this list?

29 comments:

Mrs. S. said...

- Boast that when you got home from work, your AMAAAAZING children had not only surprised you by cleaning the entire house from top to bottom, but they had even cooked supper and taken showers!

Gila Rose said...

Aren't they so precious?????

SubWife said...

Those who declare undying love for their husbands and boast about all the wonderful things he did.

Or the 15 ingredient "quick" brunch/snack/sandwiches one threw together for her and her friends for their outing.

There's got to be more...

Raizy said...

I want you to know that you are my new Favorite Person.

Sophie said...

You've been very thorough is covering most of them.
I'd add:
Posting pictures of flowers your "amazing" husband/boyfriend just surprised you with.
Pictures of perfectly shaped home-made challas (yay, you made one, stop showing off!)
Of course the selfies on the Beach Friday before Pesach are my pet peeves. That and anniversary greetings to your spouse.
Love your blog!

Gila Rose said...

Readers, this is why we are virtual friends. Thank you.

SaraK said...

I guess you unfriended my sister :)
[Our whole family is completely sick of her food posts, FTR, so it's ok :)]

Kelli Brown said...

Sorry. ;)

Kalany said...

I also want to use sharp objects to poke people who write shout outs to their babies. "Happy first birthday to the little one who has brought us so much joy". Your baby can't read, and if he can, he really shouldn't have a facebook account.

Gila Rose said...

Yes! Like, isn't your one-year-old right next to you? Just wish him a happy birthday in person.

Placido Etzioni said...

Or announcing how many kilometers/miles you've run, kg/lb you've lost, or how great you feel after your workout . . . keep your body to yourself, people!

Eliana said...

Background showing up in pictures--still laughing! This is our eternal struggle. You are hilarious.

Feige L. said...

I admit this is very Grinch-like of me, but I'm always annoyed by people wishing their "best husband ever" a happy anniversary or birthday, or thanking their "sweetie" for his "so thoughtful birthday/anniversary gift." Why are you doing that on Facebook? Doesn't that carry the slightest whiff of bragging? Isn't your fantastic husband/gift giver right there with you on your anniversary or birthday to thank in person?

I will admit inconsistency - I like to see food pics of fantastic creations because then I can get good recipe ideas. And I'm too lazy to be on Pinterest and Instagram.

Feige L. said...

Man, we could do a whole article of these. Here's my favorite Facebook pet peeve: when people post about how proud they are of the "super-challenging but fulfilling" project they just finished at work. Particularly because at least 50% of my work week is spent 1) at mind-numbing, repetitive meetings; 2) trying not to leap across the conference table and shake someone by the lapels and shout "get to the point already!"; 3) pretending that I am capable of being an effective authority figure to my staff; 4) trying not to grind down the remaining enamel of my teeth due to beauracracy-induced frustration; and 5) reminding myself I do this for the money, so just deal with it. So while I'm glad others have a more fulfilling occupational experience, I don't want to hear all about it on Facebook.

Gila Rose said...

Feige, I could not love you more right now.

Arica said...

What's even worse is people who actually say amazeballs out loud in real conversations. I want to interrupt them right then and there and say unfriended and walk away.

Peninah said...

My favorites are the comments that happen offline. When I see people and they say in a 'golly-gee, I'll pretend to be naive but really be the snarky one' way , "You sure do post a lot on facebook. Do you ever work?" and I want to respond, "And how is it that you know that I post so much...?"

Veev said...

I hate the list of food you cooked for whatever Shabbos or Chag. Do we really need to read through your 20-item menu? IT'S TOO MUCH FOOD, PEOPLE!!

Gila Rose said...

I'm thinking I should retitle this blog post, "All The Ways People Are Annoying." Hmmm.

Shosh said...

haha this is amazing. love it!

Dena said...

I loved this, every line you wrote was funny... because it was true! Thanks for the laugh!

Devorah Starr said...

Great post. I hate when people write what they ate for dinner/made for shabbat and then write "YUM" at the end. "YUMMY" is worse and "Yummy" folllowed by multiple exclamaton points, literally makes me vomit in my mouth..but just a little

Aubrey Wolff said...

definitely, lists of food you've made before shabbat or yom tov, along with pics of your gleaming house, with set table. My new post:I put frozen chicken nuggets into the oven- yay for me!

Anonymous said...

Food porn. YUM.

Anonymous said...

Can I be friends with all of you? What about "Lesson of the day: Love all of mankind. Even hitler."
"Be awesome. See how we do it for guidance."

Anonymous said...

People who provide a blemish-free overview of their year in the lead up to the new year and say something that comes out sounding to others like: "2013 was the best. I single-handedly saved the world, cured cancer and managed to spend time with my perfect husband, adorable kids and also travel to 3 continents. 365 days of bliss. Next year will be even better"

Anonymous said...

I dont know you, but I think we should be friends.
I do have to admit, one time I posted a comment about what a wonderful helper my daughter was, but it was accompanied by a pic of my two year old covered head to toe in flour.....a week before pesach

Anonymous said...


http://rabbisblog.brsonline.org/public-displays-affection-person-online/

Cheryl said...

After reading all the comments, I actually had to double-check the title of this post! I apologize to ppl for the food postings but they always say they like them! Mixed messages man!
I agree w/ all of you guys about the postings that it's your baby's bday & how much you love your spouse. It's especially bad when your spouse isn't on facebook. And are you writing how great that person is to convince yourself since clearly you ae having trouble communicating it to their face?

btw Gila I'm back!!