So here I am. See me? No, over here on the couch, under the pile of freshly washed onesies that are patiently waiting to receive their next installment of spit up. (Because you know what they say, "Do laundry when the baby sleeps!") I'm in between the lone baby sock (get used to the single life, kiddo) and the pacifier wedged into the cushions. Oh and also, a pencil. And a random flip-flop.
Since we don't have much time (I can sense babies beginning to move from Not Sad to Sad), I will answer a few FAQs for you.
Q. How are you doing?
A. Tired. Veryveryvery tired. To paraphrase Princess Buttercup, "I shall never sleep again." However, everyone is healthy and happy, or, if you're one of the twins, healthy and occasionally, Not Sad. So we are thankful for that.
Q. Are they identical?
A. Unequivocally not.
Q. Do you have time to shower, even?
A. Putting on deoderant and brushing one's hair IS considered a shower in many cultures. Or it should be. I'm working on that. "Brushing is washing!" is a thing they will say in this culture.
Q. Can I bring you some-?
A. Yes. Whatever it is you want to bring, I'll eat it. Because you know what they say, "Eat when the baby sleeps!"
Q. Were you shocked when you found out it was twins?
A. I'm confused. Why the past tense? "Omigod there are two of them" is something heard frequently around the house, especially in the evening, as we are playing another round of Baby Whack-a-Mole. (Note: No actual whacking involved.)
Q. How are the other kids doing?
A. In short, the big ones are mostly helpful. The 4-year-old, well, let's just say his attachment to Mommy hasn't improved since the arrival of the twins. But really, who can blame him? Does anyone pour cereal, turn on the TV or brush his teeth with quite the panache of Mommy? It's an acquired skill, honed after years of (forced) practice. Also, rest assured that no one has felt any need to put their various issues or angst on hold until Mommy gets more sleep.
Q. Are you nursing?
A. This is possibly the most popular question, after the identical question. To answer, I give you a quote from one of the children: "Mommy, ever since you had the twins, you've been walking around half-dressed." So yes. And yes, I have nursed both at once, but not, ahem, discreetly. So avert your eyes. Currently we're at about 85% nursing and 15% bottles. Of formula. Because "Pump when the baby sleeps!" is NOT a thing they say. Bottles meant I had to hand back my Crunchy Granola Mom Trophy, plus they took away their offer to honor me at the Annual Crunchy Granola Mom Grass-Fed Organic BPA-Free Dinner & Co-Sleeping But that's okay. Because the bottles help me keep my last remaining nerve, which I need in order to deal with aforementioned spit-up and angst.
Q. "Is there another baby in there?"
A. Luckily, this is not an FAQ. This question was posed by Nadav, when they came to visit me in the hospital. First, as he walked in and saw the baby nursing, he exclaimed "EWWWW! What is the baby doing to you?" Then he examined my stomach and decided there must be a third baby Mommy is hiding in here. Now, he has declared that the tummy is no longer so big, but it IS "mushy v'gam floppy."
So you see, Twins: They're So Easy.
Okay, Sadness has been reached. See you all later.