Sunday, April 25, 2010

New Chapters

You are all probably wondering how I am coming along with my forthcoming book on child rearing, titled, (everyone together now): "Leave Me Alone So I Can Read the Paper." Well, I am happy to tell you that we now have two new chapters. This brings us to a certain number of chapters altogether.

The first one is about children and hygiene, called "Don't Drink the Bathwater." Bathwater, as you know, is full of Kid Grossness, and we tell our children in no uncertain terms not to ingest the Grossness.
Yaakov, the Bathwater Drinking Champ, patiently explains, speaking slowly and with simple words to make sure I fully understand the complexity of the issue, that, "Mommy, I am not dwinking the wah-tah in the bath, I am just putting it in my mouth and then spitting it back out." Like I said, Grossness. So, the point of this chapter is that, while children are in the bath, parents should take extraordinary care to stay far, far away. The Grossness is going to happen. Better not to know about it.

The next chapter is: "Smackdown!"
We have found that occasionally, Yaakov possesses, um, an excess of energy. One Friday night, after I had just lit candles, Ariella and I were settling down on the couch to read some books and talk about girly things. ("I like nail polish." "I like nail polish, too.") Yaakov clambered to the arm of the couch on which we were sitting and announced, "Mommy, you need to move. I am going to do To Inifinity and Beyond and I will jump on the couch and if you are sitting there, I will hurt you."
I gently explained to Yaakov that, rather than hurting us, he should just go to the other couch, or, better yet, NOT engage in activities which cause Mommy's heart to jump up into her throat and remain there until said activity is finished. He was confused by this. "But I want to jump on this couch. I need to hit something!"

I looked at Donny. "You have ten minutes until shul. Take five of them and go rough him up." So Yaakov and Daddy went to their Smackdown Spot (our beds) for a good ten minutes (yes, Donny was late for shul) of wrestling. Every so often, Yaakov just needs Daddy to rough him up.

Donny said Yaakov is actually pretty coordinated, which is impressive for someone who managed to slip on a magazine and break his leg when he was a year and a half.
Ariella likes to get thrown around also - mainly because Yaakov's doing it and the universe would be out of whack if God forbid Yaakov got/did something that she didn't - but she's not quite as coordinated and usually ends up on the floor in tears. Also, she's got very long legs, which can seriously hurt a person. Just ask Donny.

So parents, when your child announces the need to hit something or someone, this is a clue! They need some serious wrestling! Our advice: Send a parent (the father) into an enclosed location with a soft landing area (the bed). The other parent (mom) should stay out on the couch and not get involved. Preferably, she should be reading the paper.
I, for one, am not totally sure what goes on in there. I hear lots of manly squealing, followed by Yaakov's, "I won AGAIN!"
And when Donny comes out with Yaakov, he's perfectly content to just sit on the couch and suck his thumb with Blue Blanket, panting and catching his breath. Also, Yaakov's pretty calm afterwards, too.

So that's the update on the book. Thanks to all of you who inquired about my progress and sent encouraging and thoughtful notes.


Anonymous said...

I'm on the floor laughing about the need to "rough" Yaakov up. It's pretty much the same thing I tell me kids about our very rambunctious puppy. . . they need to tire her out before they leave me alone with her!

Commenter Abbi said...

I like the girly conversation. That's exactly how I talk to my girls! Seriously, I hope you're really writing this book and not just threatening us.

OneTiredEma said...

Bathwater in the Mouth: Reason #54 why baths Chez Tired = quality time standing under the handheld shower.

We have Jump Around time here. Various CDs provide the soundtrack (songs about popcorn are very good for that). One day I am afraid our downstairs neighbors are going to knock on the door with a weapon of some kind.

Risa said...

I can totally relate. Kids in general (and especially boys) need that "rough up" time. I also like One Tired Ema's suggestion of Jump Around time. As the prospective editor of your book, I have a suggestion for a title of a chapter: Medicine, it's not candy! (Discuss.)

OneTiredEma said...

Risa, there was a PSA about that in the...early 80s? Set to a snappy tune. I never saw it, but two friends taught me the song. It's catchy.

Here it is:

Risa said...

OTE-Sure. I remember the PSA. I think it was from the sometime in the '80s, though I am not sure exactly what year or for how long it ran. (I haven't viewed your you-tube line, but I remember part of it: "This is serious, we can make you delirious.") To be honest, though, I had forgotten about that PSA and my real intention was to discuss liquid medicine that tastes like cherry, bubble gum or grape.

OneTiredEma said...

Risa, I understand. I have drug seeking behavior for gum-flavored children's pepto.

kathleen said...

We have to have the smackdown time too! I'm like you, I don't want to be around when they do either. I would seriously buy your book! I can so relate to the bathwater in the mouth conversation.

Shira said...

Oh, this is up there with your best ever posts! Donny chilling with his blue blanket- awesome. You and Ariella bonding over nail polish- classic. I know this book will be a best seller! Smackdowns really are an important part of parenting boys.

Gila Rose said...

Shira, this is true, though you may want to take it easy with Aaron for now. (That's part of another chapter, "Do Not Treat The Baby Like You Treat Your Dolls.")

Re "Medicine is Not Candy" - a good idea. (Now would not be a good time to disclose how I used to bribe the kids to take the chewable Tylenol.....)

Thanks to all who are ready to pre-order the book. You'll get a special ABA discount when it hits the shelves!