You are all probably wondering how I am coming along with my forthcoming book on child rearing, titled, (everyone together now): "Leave Me Alone So I Can Read the Paper." Well, I am happy to tell you that we now have two new chapters. This brings us to a certain number of chapters altogether.
The first one is about children and hygiene, called "Don't Drink the Bathwater." Bathwater, as you know, is full of Kid Grossness, and we tell our children in no uncertain terms not to ingest the Grossness.
Yaakov, the Bathwater Drinking Champ, patiently explains, speaking slowly and with simple words to make sure I fully understand the complexity of the issue, that, "Mommy, I am not dwinking the wah-tah in the bath, I am just putting it in my mouth and then spitting it back out." Like I said, Grossness. So, the point of this chapter is that, while children are in the bath, parents should take extraordinary care to stay far, far away. The Grossness is going to happen. Better not to know about it.
The next chapter is: "Smackdown!"
We have found that occasionally, Yaakov possesses, um, an excess of energy. One Friday night, after I had just lit candles, Ariella and I were settling down on the couch to read some books and talk about girly things. ("I like nail polish." "I like nail polish, too.") Yaakov clambered to the arm of the couch on which we were sitting and announced, "Mommy, you need to move. I am going to do To Inifinity and Beyond and I will jump on the couch and if you are sitting there, I will hurt you."
I gently explained to Yaakov that, rather than hurting us, he should just go to the other couch, or, better yet, NOT engage in activities which cause Mommy's heart to jump up into her throat and remain there until said activity is finished. He was confused by this. "But I want to jump on this couch. I need to hit something!"
I looked at Donny. "You have ten minutes until shul. Take five of them and go rough him up." So Yaakov and Daddy went to their Smackdown Spot (our beds) for a good ten minutes (yes, Donny was late for shul) of wrestling. Every so often, Yaakov just needs Daddy to rough him up.
Donny said Yaakov is actually pretty coordinated, which is impressive for someone who managed to slip on a magazine and break his leg when he was a year and a half.
Ariella likes to get thrown around also - mainly because Yaakov's doing it and the universe would be out of whack if God forbid Yaakov got/did something that she didn't - but she's not quite as coordinated and usually ends up on the floor in tears. Also, she's got very long legs, which can seriously hurt a person. Just ask Donny.
So parents, when your child announces the need to hit something or someone, this is a clue! They need some serious wrestling! Our advice: Send a parent (the father) into an enclosed location with a soft landing area (the bed). The other parent (mom) should stay out on the couch and not get involved. Preferably, she should be reading the paper.
I, for one, am not totally sure what goes on in there. I hear lots of manly squealing, followed by Yaakov's, "I won AGAIN!"
And when Donny comes out with Yaakov, he's perfectly content to just sit on the couch and suck his thumb with Blue Blanket, panting and catching his breath. Also, Yaakov's pretty calm afterwards, too.
So that's the update on the book. Thanks to all of you who inquired about my progress and sent encouraging and thoughtful notes.