Just Call Him Elmer
On Thursday, I picked Yaakov up from his kaytanah and he had made a beautiful centerpiece for Shabbat. It was a plastic parfait cup, filled with different colored sand, topped with glue (about half a bottle; this will become important later) and finished off with tissue-paper flowers. I put the cup in the cupholder of the Snap 'n Go (this, too, will become important later.) As I maneuvered the stroller out of the tiny elevator, it bumped. And the very top-heavy parfait cup tipped over. And fell. Into the carseat. In which Nadav was peacefully resting. I looked down, and about half a bottle of glue (see, I told you it would be important) was wending its way under Nadav's legs. I quickly grabbed some burp cloths and wedged them between Nadav and the carseat so he would not become glued to the seat on the ride home. (Glued to the burp cloths was at least a consequence I could live with.) Luckily, for him burp cloths are one of the 3 most common items found in our house at all times. The other two are liquor and pacifiers; more on that later.
After we returned home, the glue washed off pretty easily. And I now have another chapter in my book "Congratulations! You're a Little Brother!" about the hazards of Shabbat centerpieces and the dire importance of never using SuperGlue.
Liquor and Pacifiers
Look at that, it's later!
Nadav got up in the middle of the night, as babies are wont to do (even if we don't want them to, haha!) As I stumbled toward his room, I decided I should be equipped with a pacifier should the need arise. I fumbled around the changing table but couldn't find any. (There were approximately 3 hijillion, but they can be deceptively tricky to find when you're tired and you're aimlessly slapping your hand around, hoping one will jump up and nestle itself into your palm.) Then I remembered that I had put at least three on the "Candlestick Table" (so called because it is a table) when I was cleaning up.
I continued lurching forward - in addition to being tired, not wearing glasses or contacts makes the lurching more profound - till I reached the table. I thrust my hand forward, grabbed the pacifier, right where I knew it would be, and as I pulled my hand back, I heard a terrible crash. I turned on a light. An almost-new bottle of whiskey lay shattered on the floor. Glass and booze were everywhere; had my pajamas consisted of something more alluring than a ratty, spit-up stained t-shirt and pink plaid (spit-up stained) pants, one might have mistaken our apartment for a den of iniquity. Nadav had stopped crying for a few minutes, so I had time to gather the larger pieces of glass and throw them out.
Of course, since not wearing glasses also causes you to become temporarily stupid, I didn't consider putting on some shoes, until I noticed my feet were covered in tiny little glass shards. At this point, Nadav was really and truly up, so I went in to feed him, and then, instead of crawling back into bed, returned to the scene of the crime. This time equipped with glasses and shoes. Much less painful. I finished cleaning up and then went back to bed for the remaining few seconds until I had to get up again. When Donny awoke, he found me leaning over him. "Donny," I whispered, "do you love me?" He mumbled something, which I understood to be "yes." I persevered. "Do you love me more than three-quarters of a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label." [Fraction of a pause.] "Yes," came the answer. Phew! I'm safe! (Good thing it wasn't Gold Label.)
Schools Supplies - Big Yawn
Ariella and I completed our school supply shopping. And folks, I'm happy to report that I am an expert in school supplies now. Nyloniot? No problem! Corrugated plastic tik? Already have from last year, my friends. Pencils of a varied and specific nature - purchased! So I think we have really reached a milestone when I say that school supply shopping this year was totally not blog-worthy. Kappayim to us!
How To Buy Weed Online In Canada
1 week ago