I think it's time we cleared up the facts and myths surrounding ToTh.
Q. What is ToTh, exactly?
A. ToTh, or, more accurately, the Festival of Toth, is a weekly holiday celebrated every Thursday night with takeout. Hence, the name: "To" = takeout; "Th" = Thursday.
Q. When was ToTh started?
A. Our sages instituted the Festival of Toth when they made aliyah. It was brought down that in galut, when Sunday was a vacation day, the husband would often take care of Sunday night dinner, thereby giving his righteous wife a break from the cooking.
However, upon arrival in Eretz Yisrael, Sunday was suddenly a working day. Which meant the righteous wife had to prepare dinner Sunday night. Which the righteous wife was not at all pleased about. So she said thusly to her husband: "I needeth a night off. I hereby declare it shall be Thursday night. You shalleth prepare dinner on Thursday. However, you may not cook or get my kitcheneth dirty at all." The husband was left with no choice but to order takeout.
Q. Thank you for that insightful history lesson. Who decides what is for ToTh?
A. You're welcome. And the decision rests entirely with the husband. The righteous wife wants nothing to do with dinner. The husband decides, orders (or picks up, if he shall so decide it shall be Ofer's Falafel, for they do not delivereth), pays, and cleans up.
Q. Are the children included in the Festival of ToTh?
A. Hold on one moment. I must get down on the floor and rolleth around, convulsing in hysterical fits of laughter.
The answer to that is no. Usually, the children are asleep (unless one is reorganizing the contents of her tik, which seems to be a thrice-weekly activity) when the husband arrives home. They ate their Thursday night "dinner" consisting of yogurt or oatmeal hours before. Why spend money on takeout food for children who are happy with oatmeal and yogurt, I asketh you???
Q. Do you celebrate ToTh when Donny is away?
A. Yes. Obviously I have to be maykil and do the deciding and ordering myself. But if I don't, my choices for dinner are oatmeal and yogurt.
Q. Can ToTh be celebrated any other day?
A. Excellent question. Occasionally, ToTh is celebrated on Shabbat, in which case it becomes ToSh. Once in a while ToMaSh is celebrated. But ToS, ToM, ToT, and ToW are celebrated only on very rare occasions. A sage must be consulted in those cases.
Q. What dress is appropriate for ToTh?
A. Pajamas. Duh.
Q. Thank you so much for explaining this holiday so clearly. I feel like I am truly ready now to accept the Festival of ToTh upon myself.
A. It's our pleasure. Amen amen amen.
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